If you need to bail me out of jail, I'll be the one with the blood soaked umbrella

Be forewarned, this is the time of year that I start to get pissy. If it's not the humidity drenching you in sweat in a too-crowded, poorly ventilated elevator....before you've even left your apartment....then it's pouring down rain every where you go.

Lately it's the rain that's the culprit. In my best effort to survive the elements, I have a large golf umbrella that I use when I think it's going to rain. A regular umbrella is an absolute joke here...it does no good. Even the golf umbrella isn't as effective as you'd think. For one, rain rarely falls straight down...it is usually accompanied by wind which blows it every which way. Secondly, walking with an oversized umbrella in Hong Kong is like driving a semi on a sidewalk. It's too crowded with other umbrella users, forcing one of us to raise or lower our umbrella to avoid collision; trying not to hit it against the ubiquitous low-hanging signs and ever-present bamboo scaffolding.

What the umbrella does do, however, is a good job of mimicking a sword or a baseball bat...that is, when I'm not using it in a feeble attempt to keep rain off. As I struggle through the streets, fighting for a taxi or trying to get to the gym on my lunch break I have to fight off the urge to whack people with my umbrella. And I mean whack in the Soprano's sense of the word, not just a light slap on the tush. And I'm not just talking about the old, slow people whom you have to navigate around (who always insist on walking side by side and taking up more room). No, I'm talking about fellow pedestrians, likely as frustrated as I am. What's their great crime?

Existing.

I have but one request, don't just die on the street...that would certainly cause more of a stir...and more traffic. Perhaps even lasting until my commute home...doubling the length of my taxi trip. No, no....if you want to do me a favor my departing this earth, you can fall off of the next ferry you happen to be on. Don't make a special trip to do so...that will only add to the ferry wait. And make sure no one sees you...the last thing I need is a search & rescue team jamming things up further.

Really...I'm not a bad person. I view all human life as precious...even those who seem most unlovable. And I have no problem reconciling that high-minded value with my morning commute, murderous tendencies...perfectly rational in my book.

They should really have a warning label on these umbrellas.