2 jokes for the price of one

"I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name 'Reese's', that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, 'Let me have that,' you better hand it over. 'I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a bully, man. Let me at least have a piece.'"

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."

-Mitch Hedberg